


The Curious Case of Dr. Sexy

by hungrydean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (but like he doesn't even realize it), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Castiel Is Being A Little Dramatic (But We Love Him Anyway), Dean Winchester Being an Idiot, Dean Winchester Has a Panty Kink, Dean Winchester in Denial, Idiots in Love, M/M, Sex in/on the Impala (Supernatural), Two Person Love Triangle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-19 11:55:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22710439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungrydean/pseuds/hungrydean
Summary: Castiel needs to get over his best friend Dean, who is totally straight and out of his league. Charlie helps him by making him talk to the cute lingerie blogger Cas has been eyeing. He finds himself slowly falling for the stranger and hopes that perhaps this guy can get his mind off Dean.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 32
Kudos: 488
Collections: Writers of Destiel challenge fics





	The Curious Case of Dr. Sexy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fangirlingtodeath513](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingtodeath513/gifts).



> Long time no see! I have returned from the grave of unfinished works and am here to present you the Valentine's fic for the one, the only [fangirlingtodeath513](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingtodeath513/pseuds/fangirlingtodeath513) ♡  
> I got a little too excited when I saw I got you. Oh and yes, I used all of your prompts because I couldn't choose. I'm not sorry.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who helped me with inspiration, specifically Bobby and Lau, without whom this would be even more of a mess. 
> 
> This fic was written as part of the [Writers of Destiel](https://writersofdestiel.tumblr.com/) Valentine's fic exchange! I'm only somewhat stealing this bit from Courtney (ily) but I do totally agree that you should join us if you haven't yet (; It's honestly the sweetest community. 
> 
> Styling this fic was quite the chore: please tell me if there are any styling errors so I can fix them!

* * *

Once upon a time, a long time ago, Castiel didn’t have feelings for Dean.

They used to be just friends, and Cas _honestly_ had never thought of Dean as anything but his best friend, but things had changed.

It felt like a stupid, predictable movie trope that he still somehow hadn’t seen coming, because he hadn’t been paying attention enough. They’d been friends ever since they were kids—always together, always playing outside and making up crazy stories. They grew up and went to school together, and then high school, and they never stopped being friends. Even when Dean became popular and got a place in the baseball team and a girlfriend and cool friends, and Cas stayed behind on the tribune, both figuratively and literally, Dean never stopped being his friend. He’d feared it so often, and there’d been times he felt alone and lost, but then Dean would be there and he would cheer Cas up by just _being_ with him. They’d spend their weekend together and Dean would not go to parties so he could hang out with Cas, and when he broke up with his girlfriend, he spent the following days talking it through with Cas.

Throughout all of it, Cas had never felt anything but friendship for Dean, and he always thought that was how it’d stay. He’d always thought Dean was attractive, and perhaps he’d just always pushed away any non-platonic feelings and thoughts. But then they graduated from high school and they both went on separate holidays before college. The day Cas went to pick Dean up from the airport, he hadn’t been expecting the new wave of emotions. There, tan and toned, with a constellation of freckles and the brightest smile in the entire airport, was _Dean_ , and Cas had realized that he was fucked.

Ever since that moment, being awe-struck by how beautiful and nice and kind and funny and _wonderful_ Dean was, Cas hadn’t been able to shrug off the tingling on his skin when they touched, the warmth that bloomed inside him whenever Dean paid attention to him, the way it made him feel _special_. Being around Dean was like finally knowing how to breathe again, but also constantly fearing that soon, he would forget.

It took him a while to get over the initial shock, but as time passed he had to learn how to deal with his feelings. He knew they would never get resolved—Dean was straight, so there was no point in hoping, but Cas also didn’t want to give up the incredible friendship he had with Dean just because of his stupid feelings.

Luckily, he got to spill all of it out at Charlie, who had helped him get through and had given him many ideas and coping mechanisms to deal with his crush.

Not many of those had stuck with him over time, as he learned to put his feelings on the back burner and focus on what he already had with Dean. He’d deleted the dating apps that Charlie had installed on his phone for him, but he _had_ continued to check out cute guys on blogs and Instagram and wherever he could find them, really. One thing led to another, and Cas soon found himself checking one particular blog, often when alone at night or whenever he was sure no one was around to see.

_Dr-sexy_ had opened Cas up to a whole part of himself that he didn’t know he had. Cas wasn’t completely deprived of things that turned him on, but he’d never really thought about guys in lingerie before. He wasn’t sure if it was ever something he could openly admit, but the guilty pleasure was real, and he couldn’t deny that he enjoyed this guy’s posts a _lot_. Some pictures were simply erotic, others more aesthetic and sweet, and it depended on Cas’s mood which ones he preferred.

He didn’t know how exactly they started to interact. At first he’d just enjoyed the guy’s content without actually talking to him, sure that the guy was too popular and definitely not interested in talking with a random follower. But telling Charlie that he was kind of into this one particular guy online (leaving out the part about the lingerie) she kept bugging him to reach out. She even threatened to figure out who it was and send a message herself, and at that point Cas realized it was better if he just did it himself.

Castiel finally built up the courage to talk to him. The guy seemed to be happy that someone had messaged him _not_ to ask for nudes, and Cas was happy to have someone to think about who _wasn’t Dean_. Cas didn’t have a face to this guy, but he had a body—and _what_ a body. Nothing had ever really been sexual, though _dr-sexy_ had to know why Cas had come to his blog in the first place. Maybe it was even more special _because_ there was nothing sexual about it. At least, not yet.

_Dr-sexy_ had sometimes dropped little playful hints about being interested in getting a picture of Cas, but had also expressed there was no pressure. Cas didn’t really have any suitable pictures, and the idea of it was a little awkward and embarrassing. But perhaps he should give this guy something at least. Castiel had pages upon pages of pictures of this guy and he had nothing in return.

But not only Cas’ insecurities got in the way. So did Dean. Despite wanting to get over him so badly, Cas would still get that rush, that warm feeling that would leave him feeling all soft and awake at the same time, that feeling no one else had ever given him before. He wasn’t over Dean yet and the way it felt now, it wasn’t going to change soon either. But this _dr-sexy_ guy… at least he had a _chance_ with him, and maybe… maybe it was better to get over Dean.

It wasn’t easy, still, and Cas felt hesitant for a long while. Eventually he brought it up to Charlie when she kept bugging him about it.

“Listen,” Charlie had said with a kind hand on his shoulder. “Sometimes it’s gonna suck and hurt a little because you can’t get someone you want. But this guy—If you like talking to him, and there’s a chance there can be something between you two, you might wanna just go for it. Rip off the bandaid with Dean ‘cos waiting for stuff to stop feeling this way isn’t working.”

She was right, of course, but it still took Cas a few days to bite the bullet. They were still talking together, and things felt so right and _nice_. The guy was funny and sweet like Dean, and Cas didn’t want to keep making comparisons because he knew that could easily go wrong, but he couldn’t help being reminded of him sometimes. Cas clearly had a type.

He was home alone on a Saturday when he decided to finally send _dr-sexy_ a picture. _Such a weird thing to plan_ , he thought, but he wanted it to be right. He didn’t want his face to be on there, not until the guy would send him a picture of his face as well. For now, his body would work. He waited for the golden hour so the room was beautiful, the sun through the open window casting a gorgeous light onto his bed. No extra lighting needed, Cas played around with the camera for a while until he was able to find a good angle. He took a plethora of pictures, most of which he threw away.

There were a few that he kept, however. Several different poses and angles, some less provocative, some more… teasing; the most extreme being one where he sat on his knees on the bed, his hand slipped into the hem of his underwear, stretching so the V of his hips was clearly outlined. Cas definitely didn’t see himself as a model, but he didn’t look _bad_ either. It felt weird to look at these kinds of pictures of himself, but it was also exciting in a way. As he lay down on his bed and went to the messages between him and _dr-sexy_ , he felt fuzzy and a little nervous, but there was also a grin on his face.

> _horatios-tea: hello there, I hope your day’s been wonderful so far._
> 
> **dr-sexy: hiya, it’s been alright. definitely better now you messaged (;**
> 
> _horatios-tea: yes, well, speaking of that. I uh… have something for you._
> 
> **dr-sexy: what?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I have no idea how you do this and not die inside but well, I figured I owed you something._
> 
> _horatios-tea: more specifically, pictures. they are faceless but I thought you’d be alright with that._
> 
> **dr-sexy: holy jesus christ dude are you serious**
> 
> _horatios-tea: hey please don’t get too excited, I’ll just be disappointing then._
> 
> **dr-sexy: i will literally fight you you can’t be disappointing**
> 
> **dr-sexy: except maybe if you’re 67 years old and grey and only ever drank beer in your life and haven’t showered in a few months**
> 
> **dr-sexy: taking back the 67 thing. could still make it work if you’re like… the hot daddy type. like, harrison ford, idk**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I can quite honestly say that I am not 67 nor do I look like Harrison Ford. and I showered this morning._
> 
> **dr-sexy: ok i believe you.**
> 
> **dr-sexy: but srsly you don’t gotta do this if you don’t wanna. like i decide to share these pics because i want to, please don’t do it if you’re not sure.**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I’m sure. it’s a little nerve wrecking but I want to._
> 
> **dr-sexy: alright, just checking**

Cas still hesitated and took a while trying to figure out which picture to send first. He figured he’d build it up, starting with the more basic ones. Eventually he sent four and waited with the last two, which were the more provocative ones. He wanted to wait with those. First, he needed _dr-sexy_ ’s reaction to these. Luckily for him, it didn’t take very long.

> **dr-sexy: oh shit oh fuck holy shit jesus fuck**
> 
> **dr-sexy: dude wtf are you fucking serious rn**
> 
> **dr-sexy: listen please tell me you’re catfishing me**
> 
> _horatios-tea: Why’d you want me to be catfishing you?_
> 
> **dr-sexy: because i’m really fucking into those pictures and it’s unfair**
> 
> **dr-sexy: and I don’t wanna say inappropriate things and make you uncomfortable but i think my brain just died and**
> 
> _horatios-tea: It’s me, no catfishing. And for the record, you’re allowed to say “inappropriate” things, I can handle it._
> 
> **dr-sexy: fuck**
> 
> **dr-sexy: you’re beautiful**

Cas’ heart sped up. This guy… This gorgeous, beautiful guy whose pictures Cas couldn’t help but look at over and over again, who started talking to him and for some reason decided to stick with it, who listened to him and made him laugh and helped him feel better after a bad day… just told him he was beautiful. And yes, it might still be just his _body_ , but that already got Cas’ cheeks to feel warm and his hands a little shaky as he replied.

> _horatios-tea: I… thank you. I guess._
> 
> **dr-sexy: I feel like I should be thanking you here, dude.**
> 
> **dr-sexy: those are hot. You’re hot. Fuck.**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I uh_
> 
> _horatios-tea: I have two more._
> 
> **dr-sexy: fuck**
> 
> _horatios-tea: Again, I have no idea how to take pictures like this and they’re not as professional as yours but._
> 
> _horatios-tea: Ugh, I just need to send them. I’m talking too much._

Cas sent the last two pictures and got up from his bed to close his door. He paced around the room doing mindless things, his phone still on the bed. He couldn’t wait to go back and look at the reply but he also feared it—this new, exciting feeling he didn’t really understand yet. Eventually he rushed back to his bed and opened his messages again.

> **dr-sexy: oh**
> 
> **dr-sexy: fuck**
> 
> **dr-sexy: I’m**
> 
> **dr-sexy: I’m really into those**
> 
> **dr-sexy: that’s unfair**
> 
> **dr-sexy: Not kidding it’s so hot and it’s not even like, nudes**
> 
> **dr-sexy: I can’t believe you’d do this to me**
> 
> _horatios-tea: How do you think your pictures make me feel?_
> 
> _horatios-tea: And you have so many more. So it’s worse._
> 
> **dr-sexy: touche**
> 
> **dr-sexy: can i make it up to you?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: How would you want to do that?_
> 
> **dr-sexy: I might have some unposted pictures**
> 
> **dr-sexy: now i say it i realize that’d be counterproductive**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I’ll take it anyway_

It took a few minutes, but then _dr-sexy_ sends him a few pictures. Cas bit his lip looking at them, as they were definitely on the NSFW side, the strong curve of hips and thighs, the sweet looking panties contrasted with the clear bulge, an almost perfectly visible outline of what was under them.

> _horatios-tea: shit, now i don’t know what to say_
> 
> **dr-sexy: was that too far?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: no, i… certainly don’t mind. I’m just… speachless?_
> 
> **dr-sexy: don’t have to say anything imo, if that helps (;**
> 
> **dr-sexy: though… i’d like to keep texting. If you know what i mean. Only if**
> 
> **you want.**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I’d like to, as well._

The next few days felt like a blur. Cas was overwhelmed with what had happened, how suddenly, the conversation between him and dr-sexy had gone from ‘friendly with a hint of flirting’ to ‘I really want to get to know you better in between all the sexting we do’. It was definitely a new area for Cas, a kind of feeling he’d never had this strong, especially not for someone whose face he didn’t even know. That was the only part that made Cas a little worried, something that held him back from going full in. It was a wild situation and he knew there was no solution other than ‘I need to meet him if we are going to get more serious about this’.

For now, Cas was okay with texting and sending occasional pictures, but if they were going to take steps further and officially date… Cas needed to know more. He needed to have a face, and not just that—he knew he’d wanted to meet up. He didn’t even know where _dr-sexy_ lived, nor had they ever shared their names. It was weird and yet… Cas knew that if they ever would get further, he would be able to discuss it with _dr-sexy_ , and he would understand.

And then there was Dean. He still made Cas feel _warm_ , and right, and Dean still smiled so sweet and looked so gorgeous and every single day Cas tried to tell himself he wasn’t into Dean anymore. It didn’t work, he couldn’t deny that Dean still made him feel so _good_ , and hanging out with him was still one of the best things in the world. Luckily for Cas, he didn’t have to choose—not yet, at least. He could have both, for now, and fall in love with them a little bit more every day.

* * *

**DEAN**

“You’re gonna continue the episode or not?” Cas asked, though his tone was more joking than rude. Dean raised his eyebrow at him.

“I literally just got snacks, mister I’m-on-my-phone-all-the-time.”

“I was just on my phone because you took ten years to get food, Dean.”

“If you got a boyfriend or whatever you could at least tell me.” Dean grinned and playfully pushed at his leg with his foot. “Alright, I’ll put it on.”

Cas grumbled something as Dean turned the TV back on. Though Dean had teased Cas about being on his phone, they both knew he didn’t mind that much. They spent so much time together that it was almost normal to not be away from their phones all the time. Besides, it gave Dean some opportunity to check his own messages as well. Specifically, his conversation with _horatios-tea_ , the guy who’d been taking up his mind for so long now—and he’d just replied.

> _horatios-tea: I’m hanging out with my best friend rn but I’m all yours tonight._
> 
> **dr-sexy: Awesome. Go spend some time with your friend though**
> 
> horatios-tea: He doesn’t mind. We’re watching TV and he’s on his phone rn anyways. He told me off a minute ago but I know he’s just teasing.
> 
> Dean looked up at Cas. He was watching TV, but his phone was in his hands. Dean looked back at his own phone. It felt weird, suddenly, too many similarities—and it took him a moment to come up with a reply.
> 
> **dr-sexy: What’re you watching?**
> 
> He watched with growing concern as Cas looked at his phone again, then started typing again. A moment later, Dean got a reply.
> 
> _horatios-tea: Avatar The Last Airbender, it’s our favorite show to watch together._

Dean stared at the TV, then at Cas, then at his own phone, and felt his face grow hot. This was too much—too many similarities, it all fit too well… Cas was—no, Cas didn’t like him like that, and Dean didn’t like Cas like that, it wasn’t… Right? It couldn’t be. He needed to be sure, and he somehow managed to come up with a seemingly normal reply.

> **dr-sexy: Nice, it’s a great show. What episode are you on?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: Season 2, we just got to The Library. Do you have a favorite character?_

Dean couldn’t reply. He simply couldn’t get himself to even read the second part of the message and just looked from the TV to Cas and back, and suddenly felt like he needed some air. He excused himself to Cas with a half mumble, and Cas just nodded, not noticing Dean’s sudden shift in mood.

As soon as he was in the bathroom, Dean locked the door and sank down onto the floor. He pulled his knees up against himself with his head between his arms, and tried to calm down.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit…” He whispered, gripping his own hair.

So, _horatios-tea_ was Cas. He could’ve known, he _should_ have known. Who else would be so sweet and funny and sarcastic and nerdy? Who else would give Dean _that_ feeling, why else would he have felt so right with him from the very first moment they started talking? Of course, there were so many people out there, and it was a coincidence, a huge coincidence that they would end up finding each other online this way as well. He couldn’t blame himself for not realizing earlier—in fact, he had casually thought _horatios-tea_ reminded him of Cas, but he’d never thought anything more of it. They’d never talked about names, or where they came from. He’d never even known if _horatios-tea_ lived in the U.S. at all. If not for his spelling, Dean would’ve been convinced the guy was British, with such a love for tea. But now he knew, and it all made way more sense than it should. The blog of _horatios-tea_ screamed Cas—books, literature, nature, sweet looking cottages and signal boosts for causes saving bees and other important little creatures that most people didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about.

And then it dawned on Dean that he’d sexted with Cas. Several times. And he’d loved it, and _Cas_ had loved it, and they’d been flirting and cutesy with each other for so long…

Dean had never told Cas he was into guys. In fact, he’d only ever told Sam he was bi. It was a part of him that he was still trying to understand, and one that he’d clearly been exploring online. And yes, it was definitely something he _needed_ to out to his friends someday, and he’d always wanted to—but he’d never done so. Especially because he knew Cas was gay and Cas was so open about it, he felt somewhat guilty for not saying it himself, but it wasn’t a match, and Dean had never felt ready enough.

But now…

He’d never thought about Cas _that_ way before, never checked him out, never…

Oh.

_Oh._

He groaned, gripping his hair even harder, and wanted to yell at himself.

Because he had.

He _had_ checked Cas out, so many times, but he’d never called it that way. So many times had he thought Cas looked good in his outfit, or that the new glasses framed his face so well and made his blue eyes even brighter. Countless times had he wanted to ruffle his hair to make it messier, and he had many a time. He’d always loved the idea of always being friends with Cas and never letting him go—he’d often found himself smiling when Cas got onto long excited rants about things he loved.

How had Dean never seen it? Perhaps he’d pushed it away, a topic too difficult and scary to admit. And perhaps he’d simply never understood, because it wasn’t a _crush_ , as he knew the signs of those. It had never been a _crush,_ but overtime, he’d just fallen in love with Cas, and it had happened so naturally that Dean had just never realized.

God, he was an idiot.

He’d only been gone for a few minutes when he returned to the living room and took back his spot, but it felt like hours. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. Cas seemed to have no idea of what was going on (thank _god,_ Dean thought, that would only make it worse), but now Dean couldn’t stop looking at him.

Yep, he stood by the point he made earlier; he was an idiot. Cas was everything—perfect jawline, handsome face, sweet smile, bright and _damn_ now he knew what was under those clothes… Dean shifted and looked away, trying to focus on the TV.

It wasn’t easy. Dean tried, he loved watching _Avatar The Last Airbender_ with Cas. But his mind didn’t listen. He kept thinking about what this meant and what he needed to do next. Tell Cas? Now? Wait? Break off contact on the blog? Lie about it? Be honest and tell him? But how, and when? How would Cas react?

It’d mean that Cas would know everything. That Dean had been keeping up a lingerie blog on the side, completely hidden from everyone in his life, for a few years now. That the two of them had been sexting. Several times. That Dean called him baby all the time. That Dean was into him, that way, which was somehow new to Dean too. That _they_ were… What were they? They weren’t even officially dating online, at least not that Dean knew. He should ask that, but not now.

He’d promised _horatios-tea,_ well, _Cas_ , to talk to him tonight. Then he could ask, when they weren’t sitting next to each other on the couch.

A few hours later, when he was alone in bed and with their messages open, Dean felt less sure about his decision. His heart was racing and he couldn’t stop overthinking all the possible things that could go wrong. There were so many ways in which this could go badly, and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hurt Cas, or shock him, but it felt like there was no good solution. So he’d go for the best one, the one that felt most kind.

> **dr-sexy: so I was wondering… what exactly are we?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: What do you mean?_
> 
> **dr-sexy: You know what I mean. If we’re, y’know, dating.**
> 
> _horatios-tea: Just wanted to hear you say it. horatios-tea: But I don’t know, to be honest. I’ve been thinking about that too._
> 
> **dr-sexy: Never really been in a situation like this before, ‘s all new to me.**
> 
> _horatios-tea: Same. But I… I don’t know. I just think it feels off to date if we… y’know. We don’t even know each other’s face, let alone name. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I… I can’t, not this way. I’m sorry._
> 
> **dr-sexy: Do you want to meet up first?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: … I think so._
> 
> _horatios-tea: I get if you don’t want that, or if that’s impossible. Maybe we live miles and miles away from each other. Plus, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to push for this or for you to show your face, or anything like that. I’d never want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable._
> 
> _horatios-tea: But I also can’t officially date if we haven’t met, I think. I don’t know. I want to date you, I think, I just don’t know. It’s confusing. Things are confusing._
> 
> **dr-sexy: They are. It’s understandable, but I… think I do want to meet you. We’ll make it work. I’ll be able to go to you, we can meet in a public place. If you hate who you see, you don’t need to have to do anything with me anymore. Would that work?**
> 
> _horatios-tea: I think it would, yes._
> 
> _horatios-tea: If you’re sure._
> 
> _horatios-tea: I just want to meet you, I think. It’s difficult for me. This whole situation… I’m confused a lot of the time. I don’t know what to feel. But I think meeting you would help._
> 
> **dr-sexy: We can.**

They spent the rest of the evening talking it through, arranging a day and place and time. It felt wrong to not tell Cas, but the idea of telling him was so terrifying that he couldn’t get himself to do it. He’d rather face him in real life, where talking and seeing reactions was both more confrontational and way, _way_ better.

He barely slept, constantly dreaming about Cas being disgusted at him, it turning out not to be Cas after all, or Cas ending up with someone else as he hadn’t been texting Dean at all—waking up every time, fearing it was all real, and then laying awake hoping that reality wouldn’t be worse.

* * *

**CAS**

With every day Cas closer to meeting _dr-sexy_ , and with every day, the anxiety seemed to get worse. It was something he tried to push away, an issue he didn’t want to think about until it was quite literally right in front of him, but he simply couldn’t. He’d think about it on and off throughout the days that led to their meeting. It wasn’t just that he was worried _dr-sexy_ didn’t like him or that he didn’t like _dr-sexy_ , but what if they _did?_ What’d Cas do then?

What if he liked him, what if he fell in love… what about Dean? Perhaps those feelings would pass—but what if they didn’t? What if he felt the same for both of them and then Cas would have to pick? The endless thinking drove him insane, made him stressed out made him forget about other things than that day that approached faster than it should.

Before he knew it, it was only a week away, and Cas still hadn’t been able to make up his mind. He knew, deep inside, that the only moment he could truly _know_ was when he met _dr-sexy,_ only then could he make a decision. But it still felt like he wasn’t preparing enough. It felt like not studying for an exam or not preparing while knowing he had to give an important speech. And yet there was nothing he could do. His actual classwork suffered, though he still tried to focus—he often spent boring lectures daydreaming, worrying, thinking. The time he spent with Dean was limited because they were both busy, but Cas also felt tense. He’d have to tell him, too, at some point, but he didn’t want to until he’d met _dr-sexy._ If it was nothing, he could just laugh it off and tell Dean about it later. He feared Dean’s judgement as well. Maybe he didn’t think online dating could ever work out and that Cas had been playing with fire; so Cas rather wanted him to not know about it as of now.

Five days before they’d meet. Their conversations grew both more excited and more tense. _Dr-sexy_ kept making sure that Cas was still in on it, and so did Cas. They both expressed their nerves, and Cas was glad that they could be so honest about it. It would’ve been worse without that honesty and clarity that he wasn’t the only one lying awake in bed wondering how it’d be. How _he_ would be.

Four days. Charlie knew now, and she thankfully didn’t force him to take her with him. She just made sure that he would stay in a public space and call her if something was wrong. It was good that he could talk about it with her now, but he spent the afternoon hanging out with her and Dean, and though he loved his time, it also piled up onto his anxiety.

What if _dr-sexy_ was wonderful and he’d have to miss this? What if Cas couldn’t deal with his (still existent) feelings for Dean when he had a boyfriend and he’d have to pick… and he’d have to give up on Dean?

Three days. It was too fast, way too fast. Time should be paused, somehow, so that Cas could think. And then what? He knew what he was going to wear, even knew that he’d wear a warmer jacket because it’d be cold. The idea felt surreal.

Two days. He felt like calling it off and he couldn’t wait for it to happen at the same time. He didn’t know how he got himself to class, but he sat there, only to realize an hour later that he had no idea what the lecture was about. It didn’t matter, he’d figure it out later—besides, there were more important things in life than class.

One day. Every second felt like an hour. He couldn’t get himself to the lecture, though. He’d left the house but he just walked to the library and let himself be calmed down by the books, the smell of their paper. Reading wouldn’t work, but he could still enjoy the library and its riches. Whatever would happen tomorrow, some things would still be the same. He’d always have this, these things that he loved. Dean and _dr-sexy_ were on his mind all the time, and he didn’t know how to stop it. At night, _dr-sexy_ sent him a long message.

> **dr-sexy: I know you’re nervous. I’m nervous too, and I’m scared. But I just… want you to know that no matter what happens that you are very, very important to me. You’ve made me so happy. And if you decide tomorrow that you don’t want anything more with me, then that’s okay. I just want you to be happy and feel comfortable. It’s the least I can do.**
> 
> _horatios-tea: Likewise. Reading it like that I can barely imagine not liking you… But I’m so nervous, too._
> 
> **dr-sexy: That’s only fair. We should sleep, though I bet it’ll be tough. G’night anyway <3 **
> 
> _horatios-tea: Goodnight. See you tomorrow._

The several little coffee shops and restaurants surrounding the plaza Cas stood on were all decorated with pink and red. Flowers, hearts, and whatever looked seemingly romantic had been put out. He’d seen Valentine’s Day sales everywhere on his way here, and it would’ve bothered him if he didn’t have bigger things to worry about. He’d felt breathless the entire walk here, his fingers shaky and unsteady. All his anxiety symptoms, even the goddamn feeling in his stomach… it was all there.

_Dr-sexy_ ’s last message was about two hours ago, saying they’d meet soon, and now Cas was here on the square they’d decided to meet. It was cute, and Cas would’ve loved to look at everything in detail if he wasn’t so busy looking at every person. He’d described his own clothes, a dark blue jacket, grey sweater, black jeans, and if they really couldn’t find each other, they’d call. They’d never called before, either. Cas looked around and saw couples, some people alone, but none who remotely looked like someone that could be him… _Fuck_ , things were just getting worse. He sat down on the edge of the fountain in the middle of the square and took his phone, opening their messages.

There was nothing new. Cas chewed his lip, tapping his foot on the ground as he looked across the people. A few minutes passed without anything happening, then—

“Cas.”

He got up in surprise and turned, seeing _Dean_ standing behind him, looking at him.

“Dean,” Cas asked, frowning, “what are you doing—”

“It’s me,” Dean said in a rush, and his voice sounded strained and soft, but he stood close enough for Cas to hear it. “I mean… I’m… y’know, it’s me.” He held up his phone. “We’re supposed to meet up here.”

Cas didn’t reply. He just stared at Dean, trying to make sense of what he’d just said. Dean avoided his eyes.

“You mean… _you_ are… _dr-sexy_?”

Dean swallowed and nodded, pushing his phone into his pocket.

“I… didn’t know what to say, or how to tell you—I knew I had to tell you but I didn’t know how and I... I’m sorry.”

Cas felt a lot of things at once. The initial confusion was quickly taken over by anger and shock and the slowly dawning realization that all of his anxieties had been completely hollow. For weeks, no, _months_ , he’d been conflicted and gotten himself stuck in terrible thought patterns, having to choose between this perfect stranger and _Dean_ , and all this time… All this time. He could’ve avoided feeling this terrible for so long if only Dean would’ve _told_ him, if only Cas would’ve _known…_

He needed something to throw at Dean. There was nothing, except for the gravel on the path they were standing on. Cas wasn’t really thinking, overwhelmed with the sudden fury.

“Do you,” he began as he grabbed a handful of gravel and threw it at Dean. It slammed hard against his jacket, and Dean stepped back in surprise. It wasn’t enough to hurt him, but Cas reached for another hand. “Have _any_ ,” he threw again “idea,” and again, voice raising with every hand of stones he threw, “how _long-”_ another handful of gravel, “-I’ve been in goddamn _love_ with you? You fucking _asshole!”_ He was yelling now and only vaguely aware of passersby looking at them. “Years! Years I’ve been _scared_ and anxious and _upset_ because I could never be with you, I’ve spent countless hours wishing things were different, and now you just… you dick!”

Dean hadn’t moved other than the few startled steps back as Cas threw gravel at him. Now he just stood, watching Cas with a pained expression. Cas didn’t stop the emotions flooding out—he couldn’t be bothered to care about the people who were now clearly eyeing them. “And then… when I started talking to _him_ online I was so scared because I liked you _both_ and I couldn’t—I didn’t want to have to pick and I was scared I’d have to give you up and I spent _hours_ trying to make up my mind! And now, _now_ you fucking tell me?!”

He looked at Dean, panting, hands raw from holding onto the gravel. Eventually, Dean spoke, his almost shy voice a stark contrast to Cas.

“... Years? Why… why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Why the _fuck_ do you think, Dean?” Cas wasn’t done yelling. “You’ve always told me you’re straight, for starters! Secondly, even if you were into guys you’d be into the hot model type with abs for days and whatever, not _this_ —” he gestured to himself, “so it’s not like I would actually ever have a chance? Thirdly, why would I tell you? It would just make you uncomfortable around me and it’d ruin our friendship, I’d lose you and make you feel like shit, and I just wanted to get over you and move on—every single scenario I could come up with just ended in you being upset and never wanting to see me anymore. I’d rather have you and deal with my shitty feelings. And then I found this really nice and hot guy online and I just figured that I might get over you at last—but it just made me feel worse because now I liked two people and now I had to choose. But apparently all of that was useless because it was _you_ and you _knew_ , you knew all along and didn’t even tell—”

“Now hold up,” Dean said and actually raised his voice too, “I _didn’t_ know all along. I fucked up big time, yes, but I for _a_ _long time_ I had no idea either.”

“Since when?” Cas bit at him.

“That evening we were hanging out watching TV together. The night we arranged… this.”

“That’s still _weeks_ ago, Dean!”

“I know, I know—I’m not saying I didn’t fuck up, because I did… I just… What was I supposed to do?”

“How about, I don’t know, _telling me?_ ” Cas yelled again, waving with his arm. “Anything!”

“But what though?” Dean lashed out at last, “I mean, was I just supposed to go up to you and be like ‘oh hey Cas how are you, also just fyi, we’ve been sexting each other for weeks and I guess I’m in love with you now’?”

They both realized people were now _really_ starting to watch them and had definitely heard what Dean just said. Dean looked directly at an older man that was looking at him angrily, and Dean just scowled at him.

He took a few breaths, then finally looked at Cas.

“I’m fine with you yelling at me for another few hours, but… maybe not here,” he said. “I got my car.”

Cas just nodded and grabbed his back, giving the still watching man a glare for good measure.

They didn’t say a word walking to the parking lot, and Cas still didn’t speak when they got in the car and Dean started driving. They did this often; Dean would just drive somewhere and they’d talk or listen to music. This time the car was quiet, the tension heavy on Cas’ shoulders. He stared out the window and refused to look at Dean, who didn’t say anything either and just drove.

“Cas—” Dean eventually began, but Cas cut him off.

“Don’t.” He held up his hand, turned his back to Dean a bit more, and continued to watch the fields they passed.

It took Cas a while to get his mind settled. He was still angry, and he felt like he had all reason to. But he was calmer now, and didn’t feel like yelling anymore. He just didn’t know what he _did_ feel. After a seemingly never ending silence, Cas finally sighed deeply and turned in his seat so he was facing the road again, running a hand through his hair.

“I don’t fucking know anymore, Dean. You have no idea how… how hard it has been.”

“I don’t.” Dean said. “And I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to fully understand. But I am honestly sorry. And I do understand if you don’t want to see me for a while.” Cas watched him grip the wheel a little tighter. “Or ever.”

Cas didn’t reply, watching the road. He didn’t know what to say but he didn’t have to, because after a while Dean broke the silence again.

“When I found out, I… didn’t know what to do at all. It was so confusing, like, I only just realized that I was—in love with you, and, and that I’d been talking to _you_ and that it was all _you_ and it kinda changed everything. But I was too scared to just tell you, but I should have. I was just afraid you really didn’t want it to be me, and that you’d be like… disgusted if you found out it was me and that I’d talked to you like that and had a blog like that and… I just kinda feared you wanted it to be anyone but me.”

Dean took a breath, eyes fixed on the road. There was a deep color on his cheeks and ears and he kept raking his teeth over his bottom lip—a common thing for him to do when he was nervous.

“That’s honestly a stupid thing to think, Dean. That doesn’t make any sense,” Cas said, but his tone wasn’t angry anymore.

“Well it didn’t make sense to me that you’d like… _like_ me either.” He looked at Cas shortly. “I’m honestly sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you.”

“You aren’t a—” Cas began, then held himself back. “No, no you’re right. You’re a coward.”

Dean laughed and looked back at the road, rubbing his neck. Cas couldn’t help but smile.

“I mean it’s kind of my trademark. Been in the closet for years. Too afraid to be open about what I liked so I had a secret blog, didn’t tell you that I liked you and that we’d been talking.”

Cas thought about all the years he himself hadn’t said anything. He, too, had been hiding his feelings, hiding this thing that had been shaping and changing his relationship with Dean for years.

“I should’ve just told you right away,” Dean said, “it was stupid not to do so.”

“I don’t know what I would’ve done.” Cas said, making Dean look up. “I mean it’s easy for me to say what you should’ve done now… but I wonder what I would’ve done if I figured it out and I don’t think I’d have told you either. I’d be terrified.”

They drove through a pretty area, with fields slowly leading to a forest. It was a place they’d gone to before, simply enjoying their time together—as teens they would have picnics too, but they hadn’t done that in years.

“Maybe,” Dean said. “But I was still a dick for not doing so.”

“Oh yeah, absolutely, you’re still an asshole and I was righteously pissed.”

Dean laughed and Cas smiled too, but looked away. They kept driving, slower now the road was more of a path rather than an actual road. Cas liked it here, quiet and peaceful and filled with good memories. He’d been looking at Dean driving for a while, who either didn’t realize or was really good at pretending he didn’t. Cas knew him so well, and he _knew_ that Dean was honestly sorry. And part of Cas was still mad, somewhere, for all the lost time and the hours wasted away with worries. But that would have to heal with time.

“I have one more question,” Cas said after another silence. He tried to sound serious, but bit away a smile.

“What?”

“Are you wearing panties right now?”

Dean choked on his answer and had to hold onto the wheel so he didn’t drive off the path. Cas grinned and Dean punched his shoulder.

“You son of a bitch!”

“Well, are you?” Cas pressed on. Dean didn’t look at him, but his cheeks flushed again.

“Yes, Jesus dude, why the hell do you want to know?”

Cas rested his face on his hand, smiling as he looked outside.

“Just wondering,” he shrugged.

Dean continued driving, but the air was clear, and Cas felt more relaxed. The idea was still weird and new and confusing, but it was slowly starting to feel good as well, the small bud of a flower that could possibly grow and bloom beautifully.

“Never thought you were so ripped.” Dean said out of nowhere, smiling playfully at Cas. Cas didn’t reply at first, observing Dean, the way he held the wheel, how he looked in the orange light of the setting sun behind him.

“Could you park the car somewhere?” He asked.

“What? Why?” Dean frowned.

“Just… please.” For a moment, Cas lay his hand on Dean’s leg, then slowly dragged it away.

“Uh, yeah. Okay, yes. I mean, sure.”

He found a place and turned the engine off and Cas unbuckled himself. Dean looked at the place on his leg Cas’ hand had just been, then up to meet his eyes.

“So what do you-”

Cas reached forward and kissed him, holding his face with both hands. It wasn’t very comfortable in the front of the car, but he could definitely make it work.

When he pulled away, Dean was just blinking at him, his mouth a little open.

“But,” he began, “I fucked up. You dont-”

“Maybe you did,” Cas said, a little surprised himself by his own sudden burst of confidence. “But I don’t think it means I don’t want to kiss you anymore.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, and the way he asked it just made Cas more sure of himself.

“Absolutely. I can be passive aggressive about it later.”

Dean laughed, looking from Cas’ eyes to his lips.

“In that case… Maybe...”

Dean was the one to lean in this time, but he was gentle with it. Cas tasted it, let it happen for a moment. He’d often wondered how Dean kissed, and now he _knew_. It was sweet and gentle, soft fingers ghosting over Cas’ neck and into his hair. It felt surreal to be here with him and the _last_ thing Cas thought to be doing when he left the house that morning, but nothing else could’ve been better. _Dean_ was with him and _Dean_ was the one who’d been flirting with him and calling him sweet words… In a sudden urge Cas deepened the kiss and grabbed onto Dean’s shirt. He pulled him closer and bit down his bottom lip, opened up his mouth and tasted Dean, felt him everywhere. He shivered when Dean’s hand got under his shirt and his cold fingers pressed onto his skin.

“Back,” Dean muttered, and Cas figured Dean was right. They got himself onto the backseat somehow, fumbling over each other and their own needs to keep touching. Cas got rid of Dean’s shirt, forgetting it the moment he threw it on the floor. He kissed Dean’s shoulder, his neck, his chest, drawing small whimpers from him and leaving him panting, pressed into the leater seats.

“So long…” Cas mused, taking in every little detail. “Wondered what you’d be like, and I never… I never thought…” The sudden emotion was too much, but then Dean was there, kissing it away, and Cas soon forgot everything else. He felt Dean’s hand on his ass, pushing him closer. Cas bit and kissed into his neck in response, and he never wanted to stop hearing Dean make sounds like that.

But Dean’s hands were tugging at his jeans, fumbling for the button, and Cas helped him pull them down. He kicked them off next to Dean’s shirt and let his own sweater and shirt follow. As he started on Dean’s belt, Dean looked away, flushed red cheeks.

“Hey,” Cas said and waited a moment, letting Dean get accustomed to the idea. “I’ve been getting off on this for months, remember?”

Dean scoffed, but he seems to relax a little.

“Yeah. Just kiss me,” he asked, and Cas obeyed. He took as long as Dean wanted him to take, and eventually Dean kicked his jeans off as well. He was even more beautiful in person—the soft lavender of the lace panties was so delicate, tight against Dean’s freckled skin. Cas could barely stop looking, gently touching the lace at Dean’s hips. He slid a finger under it, followed with the rest of his hand and ran it back to Dean’s ass, finally drawing a restrained sound from Dean.

“So pretty,” Cas said and Dean didn’t look at him, but Cas didn’t need him to. He understood, moved in and kissed his jaw, his cheek, eventually his lips again. “Here.” Cas pushed him down into the seat, just enough for him to press up against him. He kissed and sucked bruises into his neck, crushing his skin mellow. His hands sought the details of Dean’s chest, slowly traveling down to his stomach and ending up resting onto the panties. Dean groaned at the touch and pressed into it, slowly seeming to get over the timidity and letting the thrill take over. Dean’s hands were on Cas’ thighs, his hips, in the dip of his back. It was dark around them, and they were alone, and the entire world would wait for them.

“Touch me,” Cas said, and Dean did. They moved closer until Dean was pressed up against the door and was holding Cas in his hand, stroking him slowly so Cas’ legs felt weak. Blindly, Cas pushed aside the panties so he could finally hold him. His thumb circled the head of his cock, barely able to sustain a rhythm with Dean’s hand around him.

It was all so much, and Cas was losing control. He wanted faster, harder, _more_ , and moaned a demand against Dean’s neck. Dean laughed but was breathless and did as Cas asked. He was under Cas, pressed in between the seat and the door and Cas. The reality of it kept coming in waves, that this was _Dean_ and with every thought Cas just wanted him closer.

“Cas, oh baby,” Dean choked, a praise. “ _Angel_.”

“Fuck,” Cas replied and gripped onto Dean’s shoulder with his free hand, then laughed. “Guess angels don’t swear.”

“They do.” Dean’s voice is teasing despite the tension in it. “I’ll let you hear how good they can swear. For me.”

He went faster, teasing the tip of Cas’ cock, eyes glued to Cas’ face. They kissed messily and hard until Cas couldn’t constrain himself anymore and pulled away, pressing his face against Dean’s shoulder and neck. “Baby,” Dean repeated, he himself heavy and hard in Cas’ hand. “Come for me,” and Cas grabbed onto what he can find with his free hand, Dean’s neck and his hair, feeling Dean all close and pressed against him, and he came with a stifled cry into Dean’s neck. Dean stroked him through it. Cas’ own hand faltered, all he could feel was Dean’s warmth and his hands and he heard his sweet words over and over again, kissed into his skin.

“Dean,” Cas said breathlessly, still a little shaky, but he wanted to see _him_ and he moved, gently stroking him again. Soon he was speeding up and Dean tried to not move, looking over Cas’ face and his body until he closed his eyes and just reached for him. Cas held him, kissed him, told him to let go, and Dean followed him soon, coming over Cas’ hand and his stomach, saying Cas’ name over and over again, like a prayer.

They were still for a while as they slowly returned from their high. Dean eventually kissed Cas’ cheek lazily and laughed a little, trying to peel himself from the leather seat. It took them several minutes to clean up and get their clothes back on, but Dean pulled Cas back for another kiss when he wanted to get up.

“You wanna stay at my place tonight?” He asked. “I mean… we were going for a dinner but you know my burgers are pretty good.”

“They are,” Cas said, feeling stupidly happy as he smiled at Dean. He kissed the corner of his mouth. “Got to admit that is a solid plan.”

“Yeah?” Dean asked, and there was that blush again. “Guess we’re gonna have to get some stuff first, though.”

They drove back to the store, mostly just smiling at each other. Getting groceries together felt like a dream, Dean’s hand on the small of Cas’ back as Cas picked out the best tomatoes, pressing a quick kiss on his cheek when Cas said something about wanting something healthy on Dean’s burgers. Curious, how Dean could make something as simple and boring as getting groceries seem like such a magical thing. Cas could probably get used to that.


End file.
